Oh no, what did I say?
I instantly regret opening my mouth! I just made an attempt to talk to someone I barely know. I said something but it didn't get the positive response I thought it should. It's something sarcastic that they take seriously.
- Or I said something out loud but you don't respond.
- Or I tried to say a joke and you don't laugh.
Why do I even try to talk to people. I hate people!
Because of this perceived or real negative interaction, I justify why I'm antisocial and why I can stand being a total recluse.
Also, being an INFP, I love my alone time. And being around people genuinely exhaust me.
Living with BPD complicates my relationships. I tend to overanalyze things or feel left out. The people who are my friends can understand my freak outs or silly jabs, but others might react differently.
Sarcasm is a defense mechanism but it's also the way I relay humor. Sometimes it sounds serious and I noticed others can take it the wrong way. So I test out my sarcasm to see if the other person gets it or not.
But sometimes the "test" can bomb, and smear first impressions. Sometimes personalities clash.
I don't really hate people, and I do like having social interactions from time to time. But the negative ones make me make me feel like I am out of my depth and I should retreat ASAP.
But I don't ever want to stop trying to be social and here's why: you have to communicate to be heard.
I don't think I could go my entire life avoiding people. There will be times I will have to talk to someone I don't know. I shouldn't let the fear of rejection hinder me. Because there are people that do accept me.
If I say something and you don't respond. Maybe it's not because you hate me. I'll wait for a response, or ask if you heard me.
If I say a joke and no one laughs maybe it's because it wasn't funny...to them. But that won't stop me from laughing.